ladies! let's you & i have a chat. dudes! lean back & pay attention. this is about ladies first & whatnot. maybe you could learn something. so ladies, who wants to enter into some sort of mate/partner in crime/random sex partner/ridiculous conversationalist arrangement? btw, sorry to exclaim at you like that at the opening. it's just that i'm a bit short & sometimes have trouble attracting attention, so i figured i'd give a "!" a shot. i'm actually fairly mild mannered, but have my moments if i don't feel weird around you. anyway, enough about me...let's hear about you, specifically what i'd like you to be like.
you: 5'6" or under, in possession of cool hair on top, flat shoes on bottom, random stories in your brain & a sense of nerd cool on your lips. you can pick a good beer & a good wine & a solid five-song string of jukebox awesomeness. you know why dan savage is just as cool as fred savage & why michael savage is ruining the good savage name. you'll remember that my favorite stuffed gorilla for much of childhood was named george, but he wasn't curious. when i've told you a story about that before, you'll have maybe listened the first time & will recognize which parts of my story have changed, but keep them to yourself & wonder what else i'm making up, because you're SUPER DEVIOUS...& you're so cute when you're being devious.
& you're so pretty when you're faithful to me, so since i'm a serial monogamist, if i'm paying attention to you, that's because you're pretty friggin awesome, so i'm only paying attention to you...something to keep in mind. why are you awesome? well, you're fine with the fact that you've hit 30, because you've got tons of time & you know so because you totally know stuff about genetics...although the future of social security sort of worries you. plus, you're cute, so f "age ruins cute." attitude helps. i seem to get along best with L.W.A. (ladies with attitude), so i might as well keep that streak alive until i get stabbed or something. heat of passion! bring on the attitude ladies. also, your making out & hand-holding skillz must be up to snuff. gross skinniness discouraged. food appreciation a must. wordperfect a plus. apply within. new yorkers preferred. those from other locales with ready access to travel also accepted. EOE.
me: 5'6" or under, mid-30s but looking (mostly) mid-20s. cougar bait. from NH with stints in boston. been in brooklyn since five months before 9-11, which, as the bumper sticker says, i will never forget. thought i was going to be a baseball player & then an architect & then a filmmaker & then around music. currently on the last one, but thinking of going into sexy international corporate espionage. ooh! you must be good at spying, but not on me, ladies. i want a house, a pet could be interesting, a kid might be cool. since we're both super smart, that kid'll have a good chance of curing or running something. before that happens though, i like traveling, but don't do it enough. you probably should want to escape to places as well. we'd go on adventures! i'm comfortable doing stuff by myself, but it'd be cooler with you, madame.
my favorite author is reinaldo arenas, although it's been a while since i've read him, so all his books have blended into one mess in my head. i haven't read a full book in almost two years probably. it's sort of a shame, but i watch & listen instead to get the stimuli. often, when we're out in large groups of people or even when we're alone, i'll be all quiet. it's all good. no need to freak, although since i'm asking for some attitude, i won't fault you for it entirely if you do. i just like watching people interact. i promise it's not creepy. not to get ahead of myself here, but if we hit it off & can manage to hold it together for a good enough period of time, i've always wanted a home sort of like my parents' place, 45 minutes from a major city, but with a ton of trees all over the place, something preferably with a cute downtown. date me! i dare you! you could also tell your friends or your sister or your sister's friends. i dare them too.
#116 - i dare you to date me.
snack: chevre du miel (goat's cheese), pitted dates & dare cracked pepper water crackers
drink: two brothers domaine dupage french style country ale
when we're having a night where we hate people (but are cool with each other, of course) we will sit in your/my apartment (yours if you have cable) & snack on chevre du miel (goat's cheese), pitted dates & dare cracked pepper water crackers. i'm doing it tonight whilst tangentially watching mister lonely, but it's just not the same without you here. you could be my missus lonely! oh! btw, i have netflix again. we could watch movies & break out some soft belgian goat cheese & slice off a piece for you & a piece for me & then we'd sit there with a knife each, watching breaking bad & doing crosswords & spreading cheese onto dates & dare all natural cracked pepper water crackers. it will be the classiest thing we'll do all week other than your friend's art opening, but i refuse to think of reading from the bible whilst naked as art, so that doesn't count.
you'll really like the goat cheese. you'll have to or i'll ask you to leave. it's got hints of honey mixed with products from the teat of a goat (chevre for the classy lassies) & like i mentioned, it comes from the same country as the guy who created the smurfs. you'll find that fact HILARIOUS. you might even have a coincidental t-shirt on hand that takes it to the next level. oh how we'll laugh about your t-shirt. we'll also dare each other to eat the crackers, but that'll end quickly when one of us takes the dare & soon after takes a header off a chair. then we'll laugh...limp & laugh.
we'll drink some beer along with it & it'll be two brothers domaine dupage french style country ale, since that's what i randomly drank a few nights ago & then blogged about today. it'll be how we first started dating, so it'll be memorable to the max, but in french. it'll be like a john cusack film, but with less big hair & more big boombox. you'll call me out on the fact that the beer's not really french. you'll mention that it's from warrenville, IL, in west chicago right near the fermi national accelerator lab. you'll explain to me what the fermi national accelerator lab is. i'll remember "protons." we'll laugh & both wonder where the cat is for a brief moment. then we'll laugh some more.
we'll finish our beers whilst washing down the cheesy date dares & you'll give the two brothers french style country ale a 7.3, but i'll give it a 7.7 just to feel like i'm in charge. we might as well make out by this point, because we're getting along pretty well & you're obviously everything that i'm looking for in a prospective mate/partner in crime/random sex partner/ridiculous conversationalist. do you feel the same?
if yes, let's definitely make out.
if maybe, we should probably make out to break the tie.
if no, we should probably make out anyhow.
who knows? what if one of us gets smooshed by a truck tomorrow & we never get to find out? seriously though, don't get smooshed by a truck tomorrow. you'd be dead & i'd be scarred for life through coincidence & nobody wants that...not even glenn beck. you think he's an ass too? we should definitely date.