this weekend, before i sat down for the evening's snack & drink, i was on the phone with a friend explaining that in my next blog post, i planned on discussing things that are twenty-two minutes long. his response was "like taking a dump?" i was all like, "twenty-two minutes? it takes you that long?" personally, when it comes to doing my business, i'm in & out in five minutes tops, but i suppose that for some people, if you're sitting on the can for twenty-two minutes, that's acceptable. if you're standing at a urinal for that same amount of time, that might be a problem though. if it takes you twenty-two minutes to deftly execute your corporate strategy, that's acceptable. if it takes you twenty-two minutes to execute a prisoner by electrocution...not so deft.
here in NYC, there's an AM radio station called 1010 WINS whose slogan is "you give us twenty-two minutes & we'll give you the world." they've been bringing headlines, weather, business, sports, traffic & all that typical news radio stuff to the NYC area for forty-five years now. longevity aside, they don't have the kind of ranting, precious pedantry i enjoy in a radio station, so i don't really listen to them. if my news isn't coming from a bloated conservative, it's not real news. know what i'm saying? JK! i hate that conservative crap! but seriously, i only have time for twenty-two minutes of news if it's in podcast form.
WINS doesn't have a stranglehold on the concept of twenty-two minute programming though. after you carve out eight minutes for commercials, it's also a typical length for a half-hour TV show. that means that over a quarter of your viewing time is occupied with trying to sell you stuff. long live TIVO, i guess. by using it, you get a better idea of exactly how much product you're getting once all the product-pushing is cut out. in the end, it's not a whole lot of time to tell a story. on a totally unrelated note, you'll find my appropriately passive product placement beginning two paragraphs below. before we get to that though, how's about a paragraph with an affiliate link in it?
the first two tracks on godspeed you! black emperor's lift your skinny hands like antennas to heaven both clock in at a little over twenty-two minutes in length. oh? you're not familiar with godspeed you! black emperor & their musical stylings? maybe you've heard of godspeed you black emperor! (their original name)? anyway, they're a canadian band that plays epic, orchestral rock with a mixture of found sounds & anti-corporate lyrics blended in for good measure. it's beautiful stuff. if you can stomach twenty-two minutes of the cleveland show you should be able to handle twenty-two minutes of godspeed you! black emperor's "storm" or "static." if not, there's a chance that you may be "sick in the head." ooh! you can listen to both of the songs on lala! better get to it. i mean, what else do you have planned for the next twenty-two minutes?
snack: pepperidge farm dark chocolate brownie captiva cookies
drink: young's double chocolate stout
all week here on eat!drink!snack!, we're going to be celebrating one of my favorite snack/drink ingredients...chocolate! that's right...IT'S CHOCOLATE WEEK, BITCHEZ!!! according to the fat cats at hershey, national chocolate month was last month, but i'm only celebrating for a week & it's going to be this week...& i'm starting my week on a tuesday! suck it, hershey. i make my own rules. i ain't gonna bow to your corporate-mandated holidays. down with socialism! also down with fascism! & health care! & all the knee-jerking! up with chocolate (for one week only)!
...so this weekend, after i got off the phone with my dump-suggesting friend, i sat down for my first CHOCOLATE WEEK snack, a bag of pepperidge farm dark chocolate brownie captiva cookies. truth be told, this was my third bag in recent times, as i'd already gone through two bags over the past week. sure they're expensive ($3.39 for eight cookies) & sure they're made with a number of scientific-sounding additives, but there's just something about their faux-homey persona that i cling to.
...11:38pm to 12:00am...twenty-two minutes is how long it took me to eat four of these cookies (half the bag). i was going to eat the whole bag in one sitting to celebrate CHOCOLATE WEEK, but i figured it wasn't in my best interest to eat 1,120 calories & 40g of fat worth of dark chocolate brownie cookies in one sitting. it's not like i couldn't have done it. i'm man enough & they're tasty enough & moist enough & full of enough chocolate chunks. LOVE these cookies. not so in love with the associated guilt. it's ok though. i grew up catholic. i can handle guilt.
in honor of glorious CHOCOLATE WEEK, i paired my 560 calories worth of dark chocolate brownie cookies with a can of young's double chocolate stout, a beer brewed all the way across the pond in bedford, a town about an hour & a half north of london. while i'll take either the bottle or can version of their double chocolate stout no questions asked, i prefer it in a can. they have those lil widget things in them that shoot out nitrogen when you open the can, allowing for a more draught-like pour, one with a nice head to it. it's the sort of european-developed beer technology that will one day set us free. trust me on this one...it's miles ahead of our lame american "cold activated can" technology.
how long did it take before i finished off 14.9 fl oz of young's double chocolate stout? that's right...the deuce-deuce! twenty-two minutes! just as long as it took me to eat four cookies! THEME COMPLETE! if it hadn't been for all those cookies occupying space in my belly, i would've downed it in like five minutes. it's just that yummy of a beer & i'm just that much of a lush. it doesn't hurt that it's like drinking a guinness that somebody dropped a chocolate bar in. dessert beer! seriously, i'm absolutely powerless against the level of flavor explosion that the young's double chocolate stout brings to the table.
soon after finishing the cookies & beer, i passed out on the couch with my belly full of chocolate. while i can't be completely certain, for theme's sake i'm going to say that i fell asleep at exactly twenty-two minutes past midnight. coincidence? i think not.