back in the spring of 04, animal planet launched a brilliant show called animal face-off where they took data from two different animals & then used science & 'puters to pit those two animals against each other in an epic, CGI battle to the death. we're talking thrilling matchups like "hippo vs bull shark" & "anaconda vs jaguar." although it was a hilariously awesome concept, it only lasted for twelve episodes before going off the air, leaving us with all sorts of unimagined possibilities for animal warfare.
today, i'm going to rekindle the spirit of animal face-off by recreating one such unimagined battle--giant panda vs rabbit! since the giant panda's way bigger, we're going to even things out a bit & pit him against fifty-or-so rabbits. i'm pretty sure they hunt in packs like that anyhow, so it makes perfect sense. let's get to the ring & take a look at our mighty mammalian competitors!
our first competitor, in the red corner, weighing in at 250 lbs, the bamboo snapper, the beast from the east...giant panda! [communist cheers shake the arena]. in the blue corner, his opponents, weighing in at a combined 200 lbs, the herd of hurt, the warren warriors...fifty-or-so rabbits! ["god save the queen" blasts from the speakers] ladies & gentlemen! boys & girls! beauties & beasts! let's get ready to rum-blllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!!!
as the bell rings, giant panda slowly makes his way from his corner to the center of the ring, but before he's even made it a few feet, he's engulfed in rabid rabbits. as he swipes at them with his tiny claws, he manages to knock a few of them off, but they still continue to swarm, snapping at his thick fur coat with their incisors. realizing the futility of his actions, he changes his game plan & with one graceful motion, grabs one of the rabbits between his mighty, bamboo-crushing jaws & pulverizes him right there in front of his stunned buddies' beady rabbit eyes. upon seeing this, the bunnies hop off of him to regroup, forming a circle around him.
as giant panda surveys his opponents, they begin hopping in place, their nostrils all aflare. next thing giant panda knows, they've rushed him, nibbling at his legs with their tiny teeth. he tries shaking his legs around to get them off, but in the process, he loses his balance & topples over in a heap, inadvertently mashing most of the bunnies into the mat below.
the remaining rabbits scatter & skitter about the ring, unsure of their next move. the minute giant panda realizes that he has the upper hand, he moves in for the kill, deftly squashing rabbit after rabbit beneath him via a series of well-timed belly flops. a dozen flops later, the ring is nothing but a mess of flattened rabbit carcasses. giant panda looks around him, wipes the rabbit blood from his eyes & raises a triumphant paw in victory. once again, the chinese have emerged victorious & the crowd bursts into a frenzy, singing with mandarin pride, "杀兔子! 杀兔子!" what a victory for the commies!
snack: meiji hello panda double chocolate cookies
drink: nesquik double chocolate reduced fat milk
here comes our victor. let's try to get a word with him...giant panda! giant panda! great job out there. you really kicked the snot out of that angry bunch of bunny rabbits. how's it feel to know that, at least for today, you're the king of the jungle? what's that? you're a national symbol of peace in china but despite your distinction, your population is still decimated from almost being hunted out of existence? i'm sorry to hear that. oh really? you have the bamboo shits? that's very unfortunate. you say your wife just left you? wow. that's rough.
at least there's a snack made in honor of you--meiji hello panda double chocolate cookies. just look at how cute the folks at meiji made you look despite the fact that you're basically just a bear with a uniquely spotted coat! that has to be worth something, right? i thought you looked so cute that i decided to pick up a box of your double chocolate cookies the other day whilst shopping at great wall supermarket (my local chinese joint). i know. i know. meiji is based in singapore & you're from china. no, i don't think all asians look alike. c'mon...give me a little credit. at least the market's chinese-owned.
what i was going to say was that they're pretty good cookies. for starters, they're shaped like lil bear heads & each one has a different "panda bear having fun" scenario printed onto the front of it. i didn't realize that you sailed and played soccer! you're very athletic. oh. you also play tennis? good to know. and basketball? great. you kayak too? thanks for pointing that out. anyway, like i was saying the panda cookies are pretty good. on the outside, they've got a crackerlike chocolate shell & on the inside, they're filled with a chocolate cream. it's a tasty combo...slightly fattening, but quite tasty. i imagine you taste just about the same, mr panda.
since nothing goes better with cookies than milk, i paired your cute panda cookies with a 16 oz bottle of nesquik double chocolate reduced fat milk. yes, i know it has that feisty nesquik bunny on the label. yes. i'm aware that i could have got a bottle of panda instead. look. i needed to have something with a rabbit on it as well if i wanted to make my blog theme work. you know what? for an endangered species, you're kind of a whiny bitch. can't you at least have some respect for your vanquished competitors? after all, nesquik's a respected, established brand. they've been around since 1948. hell, when they started making nesquik, mao wasn't even in power. remind me again...which one of them is still around?
you might not agree with my decision, mr panda, but the chocolate milk definitely made eating your cookies a more pleasurable experience. the chocolate flavor's a little bit rich, but after a few sips i got used to it & ended up liking it. plus, it's milk so by drinking it i got 80% of my daily requirement of calcium & 50% of my daily requirement of vitamin D. in addition, i got my daily requirement of cellulose gel- & carrageenan-processed cocoa. no. there's no bamboo in it. no, i don't have any bamboo. no, the guys back in the truck don't have any bamboo either. sorry. hey! don't roll your eyes at me. you know what, mr panda? this interview's over. hope you enjoy your mopey, endangered existence. at least people give a shit about you. after all, there's a certain bluefin tuna who'd love to be in your shoes.