#42 - trapped in the closet.

so i'm staying in nh at the parents' house for a few days for the thanksgiving holiday. when i visit them, i usually stay upstairs in the bedroom that i shared with my younger brother for 13 years or so. these days, the room is now painted greenish-blue, is much cleaner than i ever remember it & is now referred to by my parents as "the guest room"...& i am now a guest.

since i left home at the end of high school, my parents have been nice enough to store a ton of pack-ratted junk from my childhood. through the years, my mother has got me to whittle down my horde of childhood possessions, but there are still a good amount here & there around the house--some boxes stored in the attic, a few boxes down in the basement & a number of random things in the closet of my childhood bedroom. a quick glimpse into the closet reveals:

bank pseudo-collection - there's a shiny silver piggy bank & a ceramic, hand-painted owl bank, complete with sad owl eyes (that i am amazed never got broke) & a square silver one that pretty much never got used. these banks are where i stashed my occasional scratch & the varied coins from around the world that my dad gave to me throughout the years. this tradition has apparently continued, as this thanksgiving, i watched my 16-year old brother sort through my grandfather's stash of quarters to find alaska quarters for both he & my grandfather's state coin collections.

polaroid camera - during my freshman year at b.u., they had a housing fair, where students would go & visit people at various fold-up tables, checking out the housing options & other campus services. one of my floormates, who was likely tipsy at the time, swiped this polaroid camera (& a porkpie hat that you were supposed to put on & then take polaroids of yourself wearing) off some table...& somehow i ended up with it. the whereabouts of the porkpie hat are unknown at present time.

1984 windham soccer association trophy - i played soccer, baseball & basketball every possible year of my childhood, up until high school, when i became too old for the town recreational leagues. i liked soccer & feel like i was fairly good at it & going into high school, i was planning on trying out for the team...until i discovered that i had to get a physical & for some reason that freaked me out & i didn't go out for the team...end of career...but in 1984, i was still riding high & i (& every other kid in the entire league) got a trophy for my skillz.

hardy boys books - the hardy boys books were the first series of books that i can remember getting excited about. they had intrigue, mystery & titles like the secret panel, the witchmaster's key, the secret of pirate's hill & the tower treasure. reading them eventually led to me writing a short mystery titled "mystery at skeleton's groove," starring all my friends & featuring both a fight scene with our nemeses--the shlack gang--and a concert in the final chapter by our mystery-solving band, the rock-its.

strat-o-matic games - strat-o-matic creates board games based on actual statistics from actual sports pro & college sports teams, with cards for all the actual players, based on how good or bad that player was in the previous sports season, so you could, if you took the time, recreate the 1986 baseball season, for instance. i tried to do this, keeping score of every game & compiling the players' statistics. because of this, i became really comfortable with numbers & learned how to do a good amount of math in my head, as i figured out players' batting averages & stuff like that.

random box containing - roddy roddy piper & the junkyard dog action figures, a new england patriots ticket stub, europe's wings of tomorrow on tape, topps cereal series baseball cards including the much-bearded trio of bruce sutter, greg luzinski & bill madlock, a calculator watch, a view finder reel from jim henson's muppet movie, a valentine from "jenna" (jenna moeckel?) telling me that i'm a great friend & urging me to keep being myself, a third place ribbon from the windham recreation department's family festival, a transformers booklet for evil insecticon shrapnel, a laminated photocopy of jake the snake roberts' autograph, a sketch of a croissant that was supposed to be colored in but wasn't with "33%" written on the sheet in turquoise blue marker...probably the grade i got for not coloring it in.

#42 - trapped in the closet.
snack: mrs smith's boston cream pie
drink: ocean spray cranberry & blueberry juice

a holiday at my parents' house always features a few pies. as far as pies go, i've never ever liked dry-ass pie crusts. eating them reminds my mouth of the feeling i get when i cut my fingernails too short & then pull on a fresh pair of socks, scraping my newly-exposed fingertips against clean cotton. pie crusts are akin to licking a paper towel in my book. you can put all the warm cinnamony apples you please on that pie crust, but it's still fingernails cross a chalkboard, people.

boston cream pie plays by a whole different set of rules though. for starters, it's more cakelike than 95% of pies, which means no dry-ass pie crust getting in the way of dessert time fun & there's just something about the texture of the creamy junk that drives me wild...& how can i not love that chocolate. my mom knows this, so she's always made sure to get a boston cream pie every holiday. tonight, all three present family members asked me if i wanted a piece of mrs smith's boston cream pie. i was all "chill, people. i'll get to my pie." eventually i had one. mmm, obviously.

& there's always some form of cranberry juice in my parents' fridge. i finished off the bottle of ocean spray cranberry & blueberry juice with my boston cream pie. tastewise, i'd have to say it's one of my favorite cranberry blends--not too sweet, not too tart...& it probably helped partially clean out my urinary tract, which is always a beverage bonus.

#41 - F.L.O.R.I.D.A...flo-ree-dah.

back in 97, shortly after college graduation, i moved to pembroke pines, fl, a city in broward county just minutes north of miami. it was the year of the expansion florida marlins' first world series win, a dark year for baseball indeed.

my girlfriend at the time had moved down there to get a masters in o.t. & i really liked her & for the most part, had never left the northeast, so i went with. she was moving down earlier than i & so we flew down there a few months before her school year started to find an apartment, see the school & area, etc. i was 22 & it was the first time that i had flown in a plane & was old enough to actually remember doing so.

prior to that, the only other time i had been to florida was in between junior & senior year of high school, when i rode all the way down from hudson, nh to jupiter, fl in the back of a mostly-empty van that belonged to the father of my (first real) girlfriend at the time. we drove down there with her divorced parents & little sister. one day, the girlfriend & i took her dad's van to the mall & when i was finished purchasing a pair of midnight blue jean shorts at the guess store, we left the mall through an entirely different entrance & got lost. while trying to figure out where i was going i almost ran a red light & slammed on the brakes. the sand on the road caused the van to slide sideways & as we skidded to a halt, i remember a tool box & a jar of change unloosing themselves all over the van. we emerged unscathed other than the tool & change collection duties necessary to do to avoid detection from her parents. a couple days later, hurricane andrew hit. that should have been a clear sign as to the future of that relationship.

...so in august of 97 i moved to florida & lived in a one-bedroom apartment with my girlfriend. from the outset, it was obvious that she was stressed. school was pretty hard, neither of us had long-standing friends in the area & for the most part, things did not go well between us. i know i wasn't happy...hell, i only went to the beach once my entire time there.

my best friend at the time was a girl named michelle, who i worked with at my data entry job. as far as i know, we were the only two college-educated folks in our office, so we naturally gravitated toward each other. as far as i can remember, she was my first ever gay friend (nh & b.u. kept me a bit sheltered up until then). often, when my monthly new issue of playboy arrived (via a gift subscription from my girlfriend), michelle & i would flip on through together. we'd go out to lesbian bars & shoot pool & ramble about our respective relationship issues. she brought a lot of happiness to me at a time when many aspects of life sucked...& it helped that she was totally cute...& then i moved away after only eight months in florida & came down to visit a few months later for new years' eve & then through circumstances, we completely lost touch, even with the recent advent of social networking...friendwise, this is the loss i most regret. she was a really good friend to me & i really hope she's doing well now that we're ten years into the future.

#41 - F-L-O-R-I-D-A...flo-ree-dah.
snack: hershey's all natural extra dark assortment
drink: sobe orange carrot elixir

as i've mentioned previously, i currently have a thing for dark chocolate. recently, it's gotten worse & regular dark chocolate just won't cut it any more. when i go to a store & they only have one or two types of lindt bars & both of them are nothing more than your average dark chocolate, sans any fruits or nuts or geographical cacao branding, i scoff heartily...but i am occasionally a rational man & when my best choice at a local rite aid the other night was a bag of hershey's all natural extra dark assortment, which contains single serving pieces of both the average "pure dark chocolate" & "pure dark chocolate with cranberries, blueberries & almonds," i "went for it." i absolutely love the cranberry, blueberry & almond ones. the fruits & nuts are tiny & worked into the chocolate really well. basically, biting into one is like biting into any other candy bar, until you notice that there's a chunk of cranberry stuck in your teeth & you get to lick at cranberry for 2-5 minutes trying to get it out of there...& when you do, the reward is all yours. this bag is definitely no match for me tonight.

with them, i'm downing a sobe orange carrot elixir. it is SO ORANGE!...but i wouldn't ever turn one down based on its shocking color, because it's a pretty tasty beverage & carrots are totally good for your health. some might say "this beverage is too friggin' sweet." to them i say, "your teeth only live once, jacko." i was addicted to sobe beverages (& more specifically the black tea) in the years round the end of college, when they started appearing on the shelves of boston convenient stores. when i moved to florida in 97, i was forced to starve my addiction. as far as i could tell, there was nary a sobe drink to be found in the greater ft lauderdale/miami area, which absolutely baffled me, considering that the drink gets its name from south beach, an area of miami beach, located just 30-45 minutes south of my pembroke pines apartment. it turns out that sobe is based out of norwalk, ct, known primarily for its oysters & from what i can tell, "sobe" is pretty much just a pre-geico lizard marketing gimmick...& i hate their website. it tries to be cool while sacrificing functionality for bird chirps.

in closing, originally this post was going to be more lesbiancentric, but in the end, i decided to go in a different direction...instead i'm just going to throw out this one random thought from that thought train: are there any females in my neighborhood who aren't lesbians? even one? i remain skeptical.

#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.

yesterday, i took a trip down to the d.c. area to spend an afternoon, evening & morning with mr tadley martin, friend from high school & beyond. previously, i'd been to the city (or the "doggone capitol," as i, quite cleverly i might add, like to call it) twice in my life.

the first time i went was when i was working at ny press. i won the january monthly sales contest & that month's prize was that in the following month, i got to attend the annual association of alternative newsweeklies (a.a.n.) eastern conference with my boss & the publisher. we stayed at the renaissance mayflower hotel, where reagan apparently took breakfast. we had a quick bite there one day & though i can't be entirely sure, i bet there was probably some pol at least as evil as reagan sitting a nearby table as we enjoyed our salads. one afternoon, i did myself a few hours of "lookin' at junk"...memorials & monuments & whatnot. somewhere, there's a mini dv tape of my adventures.

one night, a group of us went to an ethiopian joint in adams-morgan. it was my first experience with ethiopian food & the injera bread, or as it was dubbed that evening due to its rolled-up nature--"penis bread." "floppy penis bread" was also acceptable nomenclature. we ended the night (please note that i may actually, in my head, be squashing two evenings of memories into one evening) at a salvadorian restaurant in lord knows what area of the city. we had been drinking a bunch that night & the restaurant had a side room with salsa music & dancing. we went in there & i, non-dancer that i am, obviously took up the invitation of a short salvadorian woman when she asked me to dance & we danced to the music as she quickly taught me how to salsa & together we salsaed our butts off over the course of the next (what seemed like an) hour. color me gay but my favorite part was when she spun me round, which she did more times than you can count on your normal human hands. it was only later, after we left, that my group informed me that they had been debating whether or not i'd end up on the receiving end of a blade before the night's end, as i danced oblivious to the glare of the woman's boyfriend and/or brother, who was sitting at a table in the corner.

the next night i got home to brooklyn & got mugged by two ass clowns who stole all the spending cash i received as part of my sales contest prize & then the police caught them within the hour, after following the ass clowns' tracks through the snow.

the 2nd time i went was to hang out with mr tadley martin when he lived across the river from d.c. in virginia in what i want to say was an area called ballston. we made an evening trip to black cat for a britpop/indie rock dance night. good times.

#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.
snack: utz smokin' sweet kettle classic chips
drink: sweet leaf cherry limeade

this time, i stayed with tadley in his swinging bachelor pad in rosslyn, va, a pad complete with a bathroom with good face wash & some sort of heated hair device, both of which could either be his or his girlfriend's. it's an interesting area, with lots of modern-looking construction & towers built on the hills just across the river from d.c., a placement (just outside the city limits) that allows them to build taller buildings. d.c. has a height restriction on buildings. originally, it was nothing taller than the capitol (289 feet). now the limit is the width of the adjacent street + 20 feet. virginia has no such restrictions...an interesting washington post article about the effects of the heights restrictions here.

near his place, there was a lil' convenient store that we went to a few times over the course of 24 hours. naturally, i was intrigued by their snack selection, as convenient store snack selections are often largely regional & i love that kind of crap. on my first trip there, i got a bag of blue diamond maui onion & garlic almonds. i was all "dude, what?" i have never seen these in new york, even at target, who could possibly have the finest selection of blue diamond nuts in the city outside of the west village...but i digress.

they also had two utz kettle flavors that i've yet to come across here in nyc--smokin' sweet kettle classics and salt & malt vinegar. on the front of the package of the smokin' sweet ones are the words "spicy heat with a kiss of sweet"...just like my love makin' stee-lo...so i had no choice but to choose those for later snacking purposes.

as i write tonight, i'm enjoying those chips & with them, i'm having me a bottle of sweet leaf cherry limeade that i picked up upon my arrival back in brooklyn this evening. the non-threatening cartoon granny on the label was also on a decal affixed to the door of a local convenient store, plugging her sweet leaf teas & beckoning for me to come check her out when i was done picking out a quart of milk. when i was done, i went over to visit her & couldn't resist her allure. her cherries. her lime. her ade. her promises of "homemade goodness in a bottle"...so i went with the cherry limeade.

dear label granny,

unfortunately, i don't enjoy your creation. like, if the flavor of the best flavored lemonade ever is equivalent to making out with a really hot chick, the the flavor of your cherry limeade is equivalent to making out with, well...a granny. catch my drift?...but seriously, granny...you seem like a very nice person.

yours in beverage,
shawn.

#39 - it's a crazy cracker world.

as i sat down to write this blog entry, i went in not knowing exactly what i was going to write about. all i knew was that i had me a big glass of iced tea by my side & some hummus & crackers in the kitchen awaiting my consumption. to get warmed up, i decided to do a little research on my crackers, whose box was all the way over in the kitchen & whose exact name escaped me at that moment...so i searched for what i knew--"triscuit parmesan nabisco.com." about halfway down the list of searches, i came across the words "kraft - the tale of the magical crackers." as one who grew up in new hampshire, i couldn't help but be curious about magical crackers. i clicked through...& sidetrack! on the other end, i found a cracker wonderland mini-site, complete with:

the tale of the magical crackers
this is main attraction on the site. a guy named lester has brought you & a family of four to his attic to watch his magical cracker movie. once the internet catches up & the movie starts, it's all soothing narrator telling the magical story of one holiday season in cracker town. it starts with a knock on the door & on the other side, there's a giant ritz & his buddies giant wheat thin & giant triscuit! when i first saw these monstrous crackers, i was all "holy crap! those crackers are monstrous." then the soothing voice used the word "ginormous" to describe them & i stood corrected. these three ginormous crackers stay through the winter, magically regenerating over & over again, feeding the family when the dog pulls the turkey onto the floor at dinner & helping santa haul his ass up the roof on christmas eve when he's too tired to do it his damn self. at the end of the film, it is revealed that in a past year, a giant block of cheese showed up in town & then it is revealed that the narrator is actually the dog, the same dog who pulled the turkey onto the floor. i love surprise endings!

you can download this film onto your ipod!

snowball showdown
to play snowball showdown, you first create a character.

my character is a young black boy named "kickass kid." the backstory i created for him is that he is an outcast in the land of magical crackers. as you can sort of tell from the below image, others throw snowballs at him & attempt to destroy his giant cracker. assessment: life is not fun for the kickass kid of magical cracker town.

uncle lou's tale-o-matic
uncle lou likes to hang out in the shed, where he's created a very elaborate machine that spits out a lame mad lib that is nothing more than a written version of the "tale of the magical crackers" film. it appears that you should wear yellow gloves when operating the machine, probably because direct contact with it can result in terminal lameness. the only thing i like about uncle lou's creation is how it flags inappropriate words & makes you change them. it flagged the word "basement," but "attic" is completely acceptable...obviously.

seriously, nabisco. who approved the creation of this mini-site? carol from the steno pool?

#39 - it's a crazy cracker world.
snack: triscuit parmesan garlic thin crisps with athenos roasted red pepper hummus
drink: 4c red tea antioxidant/peach

these triscuit parmesan garlic thin crisps are pretty good. they're definitely better than regular triscuits, which are really only good if you top them with lots of cheese & dips & junk. these ones actually have flavor on their own. it's subtle, which makes sense, because if triscuits are anything, they're subtle...the hint of parmesan makes me wonder why all triscuits don't at least have some flavor.

regardless of their acceptable flavor level, i'm still dipping them in athenos roasted red pepper hummus. this stuff comes with chunks of red pepper & parsley bits sprinkled on the the surface, which looks quite fancy & makes you think that you might be eating something other than your average, everyday hummus...but you're not, really.

the 4c red tea is the final 4c iced tea flavor i've experienced & it is way too friggin' sweet, especially if you follow their recommended water/drink mix ratio. i mean, it's pretty good overall, but i really wish it wasn't so darn sweet. it's overwhelming & with every drink i take, i get an image of me brushing my teeth in my head. that can't be good.

#38 - baby talk.

this is what i've observed about the world: society deems you both cool & not cool if you have a baby...it's all in the circumstances behind your baby having...

teenager with baby ≠ cool.
fundamentalist white couple in kansas with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity smoking cigarette with baby ≠ cool.
gay couple with baby ≠ cool.
foster care system overrun with babies = cool.

i just hit 34 this week & my siblings & i have yet to produce a baby for my parents. for one of us in particular, this is a good thing since he's 16. for myself & the other two, we're in that prime 25-35 baby-making canal. here & there, a few of my friends are starting to get babies of their own. i'm pretty sure at least one of my high school friends has a baby who is old enough to have a myspace page. another friend apparently has twins. another who lives in the u.k. just had a daughter. i don't even know how that works as far as citizenships go, but i have a feeling something un-american might be afoot.

one of these days, i'm going to get around to the baby-having. obviously, there are clear & present obstacles to that currently happening, namely the lack of a baby-making partner, which is something i'd like to have for this particular adventure. ladies? who wants to make a baby with shawn at some point in the next year or two? eh? it'll likely be smart and/or cute. all i'm saying is...think about it...or pass the word on to one of your baby-wanting friends or co-workers. hotties and/or really smart girls only please.

#38 - baby talk.

snack: planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts
drink: flying dog snake dog i.p.a.

like me, my first baby will love all things planters. this is for certain...a love for planters will be in his and/or her blood & by this i mean that most planters snacks are too tiny for babies to eat without choking, so my first baby will have planters products delivered intravenously...unless planters starts making baby food, in which case, we will get to forgo all the needles.

for starters, baby will get planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts. these things are extra crunchy, which baby won't actually get to appreciate due to the intravenous delivery. according to the packaging, "the nut experts at planters have carefully roasted each small batch to bring out its crunch." ha! nut experts!...i'm going to start using that. somebody's talking too loud on their cell phone..."hey buddy, wanna stop being such a nut expert & bring down the volume please? you're disturbing me & my friends. thanks."

anyway, baby will instead get to focus its appreciation on the blood rush that this snack offers, with its unsettlingly unbalanced combination of salty bbq & sweet honey.

& like me, baby will also get a flying dog snake dog i.p.a. to go with his/her intravenous peanuts & in doing so, baby will get to appreciate cartooning. babies love cartoons & the ones on the flying dog labels are by ralph steadman, who illustrated many of hunter s thompson's works. that means baby also gets to learn about art history & the counterculture.

...which means my baby will be WAY COOLER than your baby. suck on that, breeders.