the musical fruit: movement #16.

the musical fruit: movement #16.
song: "mango woman," ween
fruit: mango

ween! before i knew a damn thing about the craziness that is ween, my only point of reference for them was that in the record stores, they were the band stocked next to weezer. eventually, a friend who introduced me to a lot of music introduced me to them. a year earlier, he & a friend had tried to interview them for a zine they were working on & as he explained it, "we were going to interview them, but they were all coked up & punching holes in the wall backstage, so we left." good times. the first two albums he gave me were from the early nineties--chocolate & cheese and pure guava. i hated them at the time, but with the latter of those albums, realized that ween was the band responsible for the song "push th' little daisies," which came out as a single, with an mtv video & everything. i liked that.

i didn't come across it until a few weeks ago, when a friend suggested it for this here column, but the "push th' little daisies" single included a song called "mango woman." ween's a master of jumping between musical genres. this one's all reggaelike & features lyrics like "hey mon, where you come from? uh, i come from uh, new hope. you smoke spliff? y-yeah i smoke spliff. ya oy! uh." it's a real head bopper & along the way, they make sure to name check babylon, mount zion & the rastaman whilst singing about this "mangoey woman." i can only assume that, given her mangolike qualities, said woman is sweet on the inside but ultimately intimidating.

i say this because mangoes are totally sweet but definitely intimidating. for starters, on a lunch break about a few weeks back, i picked one up at a food emporium in the city. i paid three & change for it, only to walk past fruit cart after fruit cart on my way back to the office & realize that i could of got one for way cheaper. on top of that, since i can't recall ever purchasing a mango, i wasn't sure how to know when one's ripe. when i got back to work, i turned to a few co-workers for guidance. one told me that when the skin had a good amount of redness to it, it was ready to eat. another told me that it was all about the firmness. if you squeezed it & it gave a bit, it was good to go. based on their theories, it appeared that my mango had a day or two to go before reaching peak form, so i brought it home & left it to ripen. after a day, it still didn't seem ready. the following morn, i woke up & checked on it only to find that overnight, one specific area had become so soft that i almost stuck my finger through the skin. the rest still felt firm. awesome. in the end, i tossed that pricey mango.

on friday, i went for take #2. this time, i went to my local produce market & made sure to ask the woman there to confirm the ripeness before i purchased it. since she loves me, she hooked me up with "a good one...a very, very good one." that afternoon, i decided that fruit time was nigh, so i took my mango to the kitchen for some slicing & dicing, an activity that turned out to be quite daunting. i didn't realize that, given the hard center of a mango, there's a certain way you need to cut it to get the maximum fruit. as a result, from that entire mango, i probably got about eight or nine slices of fruit. i guess in the end it was worth it, since there aren't many fruits better than a fresh, awesomely sweet mango. i just wish that my path to that deliciousness wasn't filled with so much imagined drama. darn womany mango.

the musical fruit: movement #15.

the musical fruit: movement #15.
song: "date with IKEA," pavement
fruit: dates

the indie rock world sure has had their fair share of respectable reunions over the past decade. with the pixies & my bloody valentine & the jesus lizard & slint & mission of burma & polvo reunions out of the way, indie rock scientists turned their attention to one of the most hoped for ones over the past few years--pavement--who dissolved back in '99 after years of rocky relations between band members. last week, the indie rock nerds got their wish, as pavement announced that they'd be playing a gig in central park an entire year from now. that show sold out in two minutes & they ended up announcing three more shows, two of which have already sold out. in their time together, they put out five full-lengths & for the most part they were all damn solid, although i prefer the first three over the last two. i want to be excited about the reunion, but have been so indifferent to lead singer steve malkmus' solo albums that i suppose it sort of brought my love of pavement down a notch. i'm working on that.

their fourth album, brighten the corners, is probably my least favorite of theirs (wowee zowee's #1), but "date with IKEA" (the fourth song off of it) is up there as one of my favorite pavement songs. it was one of two songs on the album that were written by guitarist scott kannberg, the only two on the album not written by malkmus. it's a quick two-and-a-half minute rocker with slightly nonsensical lyrics & a nice quick solo, all attributes that make me love their first three albums so much. i guess other people felt the same love for the song because when matador records re-released brighten the corners at the end of last year as brighten the corners: nicene creedence edition, they ran a contest where one lucky fan won a $500 shopping spree at the red hook IKEA with pavement's jack-of-all-trades bob nastanovich. the girl who won won because all she had was a suitcase & an air mattress. i guess she deserved it.

i've got a date with dates tonight. in fact, i've been having a lot of dates with the dates recently. sure, i bring along cracker & apple & sweet sweet goat cheese most of the time, but the important thing is that we've been spending a lot of time together these days. i even spent some time this afternoon all alone with dates, just the two of us at my desk working hard at making sugary sweet tweens happy through the magic of sugary sweet pop. these particular dates came from brooklyn's terrafina foods. ever since i first picked some up early last month (btw, i still haven't got a human date from that post, ladies) along with goat cheese & crackers, they've become a fixture in my kitchen. it blows my mind that they're a fruit but they're so darn sugary. i LOVE sugar.

as far as dates go, i LOVE them, but i don't LOVE THEM LOVE them. a man can't live on sugar alone. i mean, we have some really great times together & i don't want to sound like i can't be a monogamist or something, but things are better when it's me, dates & some goat cheese. i have trouble being exclusive with dates. i love them & all, but they're just better when i spread cheese on them. there. i said it. i like my dates more if they have goat cheese on them. it's public record now & they're just going to have to accept the fact that they have to work together with goat cheese for my pleasure...& why shouldn't they? just look at how well it worked out for french fry & ranch dressing.

the musical fruit: movement #14.

the musical fruit: movement #14.
song: "the pineapple vs the watermelon," xiu xiu
fruit: watermelon

since i've moved to nyc & fallen in love with the indie rock, i've come across a lot of hyped stuff & a lot of weird stuff. i'm well versed in pitchfork & it's through them that i discovered xiu xiu, the slightly spooky project of oakland's jamie stewart & a bunch of other peeps. it was around the release of their 2004 album fabulous muscles that i fell for them. the album is made up of equal parts poignant, whispered lyrics & acoustic guitar and unexpected, jagged, clanging sounds with some occasional rocking thrown in for good measure. the title song features the lyrics, "cremate me after i come on your lips. honey boy place my ashes in a vase beneath your workout bench." i found it awkward & creepy, but still fell hard for it, so hard that i made sure to write a piece about them for ny press' music section during my time there. as adam (my friend & co-worker at the time) often joked, "these guys are art rock, huh?"

their 2006 album, the air force, features a song called "the pineapple vs the watermelon." i'm not sure what the hell the title's all about. the song's actually about suicide & there's no mention of fruit at all in the lyrics. just some stuff about "someone felt something pure and told it all to you. that was why you killed yourself. to prove it wasn't true. say hello to cory's mom. say hello to freddy's mom. say hello to ryan's mom." it's typical dark-ass xiu xiu. the song begins with the aforementioned soft guitar & hushed lyrics & throughout, there are little bells & wood blocks & noises, but no frantically jarring stuff. i still like the jarring stuff, but the non-jarring stuff sticks with me more, for obvious reasons. this one in particular really grabs me.

i wasn't feeling ambitious or hungry enough to get both a pineapple and a watermelon. pineapples are too much work & i wasn't up for lugging a whole watermelon home on the bus. i'd just end up smashing it like some sort of accidental, less-comedic gallagher anyhow. maybe if it was one of those awesome square watermelons or heart-shaped ones that the japanese developed & i had a lot of yen to blow, i'd put forth the effort. instead, i opted for some watermelon & picked up a three pack of pre-sliced wedges from the supermarket, allowing me to eat watermelon at my leisure. shit, i'll probably even save one for breakfast tomorrow. it's a laid back life i lead, folks.

here's my take on the watermelon. i'm not cool with the seeds. never have been. for a little while when i was a little kid, it was cool to have multiple opportunities to spit things, but now they're just annoying & make me self-conscious. thank god that japanese science created a seedless one too. when it really boils down to it though, i'm cool with watermelon. it can get a little messy with its water & whatnot (see previous comments re: self-consciousness), but it's so subtly sweet & summertime fun refreshing that i'm all like, "toss some chunks of it my fruit salad, please." "if you don't mind kind nj lab technician sir, please inject this square of hubba bubba with a facsimile of watermelon flavor & when you're done, can you do something for the smell of my shampoo? that would be most delightful. thanks, science."

the musical fruit: movement #13.

the musical fruit: movement #13.
song: "the night before christmas," alvin & the chipmunks
fruit: black plum

when i think of christmas songs, most of the time, i'm thinking of alvin & the chipmunks. bing crosby croons & shizz, but the chipmunks rule. "christmas time is here?" that's my jam. i knew this guy through miss mj who could sing the hell out of that song all chipmunk style. alvin! simon! theodore! those munks really know how to get into the spirit & have mischievous fun with it at the same time. i used to watch the cartoon all the time & have been listening to them since i was a kid, so i guess they're pretty old by now, which explains why those other guys played them in their 2007 film & will reprise their roles in the upcoming squeakquel...out on christmas day! are you ready to get munked?! jason lee, justin long & david cross are.

the chipmunks' version of "the night before christmas" is a definite gem in their catalog. whereas pretty much all of the chipmunks' christmas songs feature alvin, simon & theo chirping away, their version of "the night before christmas" features dave doing a borderline scat version of the song with the chipmunks providing sparse backup vocals & encouragement. when he jives about how "visions of sugar plums danced in their heads," you can really picture those plums dancing, all beatnik-like. if you're a fan of the chipmunks & check out the link to the song, you should probably let it play once "the night before christmas" is done. it's followed up by a hip-hop version of "witch doctor," complete with alvin yelling "go go go!" "funkytown" comes after that & it's tolerable, but if you get to "had a bad day," you've gone too far. they've actually created a more deplorable version of that song. i didn't think it was possible.

here's the honest truth. it's been a long ass time since i've had a plum, so a few weeks back, when i had myself a plum for the first time in a coon's age & a black plum at that, i was SHOCKED. i could've sworn these things were orange on the inside. these ones are friggin whitish-yellow on the inside. the internet doesn't help clarify whether all plums are like this & i don't know any plumologists, so for now, in my mind, all plums now have whitish-yellow interiors. mind blowing! it's like when i learned the truth about what was really going on with boy george, but less fruity.

i'm cool with the black plums. they've got a skin that's very similar to a cherry in both color & texture, which is all good in my book. as for the fruit, it's slightly tart, but deliciously sweet. i've actually had one each of the last two days. i launched this column back last month both to fill a need to write more about music & to get myself to eat more fruit (after neglecting it for so long). it's worked thus far & it may sound weird to folks who regularly opt for fruit over crap, but i'm glad i "discovered" the black plum. it's definitely my favorite discovery from the last month & a half. i'd be lying (& coy) if i didn't say that i plum like them.

the musical fruit: movement #12.

the musical fruit: movement #12.
song: "grapefruit diet," "weird al" yankovic
fruit: pink grapefruit

what's up with "weird al" & food? dude is obsessed with food. there's "i love rocky road," "my bologna," "eat it," "girls just wanna have lunch," "addicted to spuds," "the white stuff," "lasagna," "spam," "livin in the fridge," "waffle king" & "snack all night." in '93, he even put out a compilation album called the food album, featuring many of the aforementioned songs. his biggest food-themed parody was probably "fat," his "bad" parody off his 1988 album, even worse. it centers around a dude who is totally obese & when it comes right down to it, makes fun of fat people. as a fourteen year old, i found it funny. nowadays, i have mixed feelings about it, but it is a "weird al" song, so i suppose it's not that big of a deal.

another one of his songs that makes light of being fat is "grapefruit diet," off of his tenth album, running with scissors, which was released ten years ago this past june. the song's a parody of "zoot suit riot," by cherry poppin' daddies & is about a guy who's "got more rolls than a pastry truck" & "made sumo wrestlers look like kate moss" before he went on a grapefruit diet. "weird al" put out a live vhs dvd from the tour supporting the album, creatively titled "weird al" yankovic live! the concert featured a medley with "grapefruit diet" in it & that portion's totally on the youtube. check it. what a showman! he's sort of laid off the food parodies since alapalooza came out, so we've gone almost sixteen years without a new "weird al" food-themed parody, but i'm assuming he has approx 7,000 others rolling around in his head, so it can't be long til we get a new one.

this morning, i had myself a breakfast that included that not-so-pink pink grapefruit half you see above. since an early age, i've always loved grapefruit & that's largely because it has its own knife, one made with serated edges & a little curve on the end of it so you can properly cut it & get out as much of the fruit as possible. sure it wouldn't do jack for you if you found yourself in a knife fight, but to this day, all i have are butter knives, steak knives & a grapefruit knife. it's a pretty exclusive club. as for grapefruits themselves, the grapefruit tree was first documented in barbados & is considered one of the "seven wonders of barbados," which is a pretty sweet title to have. the other six? harrison's cave, the baobab tree, the historic jacobean mansions, morgan lewis mill, a famous jewish synagogue & cannon galore. obviously, none of those are as famous as the grapefruit tree.

i decided to relive one of my childhood habits, so i sprinkled a spoonful of sugar on top of the pink grapefruit & let it sink in to dull its slight bitterness. i first started sprinkling a little sugar on my grapefruits not because i minded the bitterness all that much, but because i enjoyed putting sugar on stuff whenever possible. i assume my parents were all "well, as long as he's eating fruit, i guess we can let him cover it in sugar." thank you kindly for your indifference, mom & dad. compared to how long it took to cut up the pink grapefruit half, i finished it pretty quickly, but lucky for me, there's another half waiting for me in the fridge for later. bonus grapefruit!