#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.

yesterday, i took a trip down to the d.c. area to spend an afternoon, evening & morning with mr tadley martin, friend from high school & beyond. previously, i'd been to the city (or the "doggone capitol," as i, quite cleverly i might add, like to call it) twice in my life.

the first time i went was when i was working at ny press. i won the january monthly sales contest & that month's prize was that in the following month, i got to attend the annual association of alternative newsweeklies (a.a.n.) eastern conference with my boss & the publisher. we stayed at the renaissance mayflower hotel, where reagan apparently took breakfast. we had a quick bite there one day & though i can't be entirely sure, i bet there was probably some pol at least as evil as reagan sitting a nearby table as we enjoyed our salads. one afternoon, i did myself a few hours of "lookin' at junk"...memorials & monuments & whatnot. somewhere, there's a mini dv tape of my adventures.

one night, a group of us went to an ethiopian joint in adams-morgan. it was my first experience with ethiopian food & the injera bread, or as it was dubbed that evening due to its rolled-up nature--"penis bread." "floppy penis bread" was also acceptable nomenclature. we ended the night (please note that i may actually, in my head, be squashing two evenings of memories into one evening) at a salvadorian restaurant in lord knows what area of the city. we had been drinking a bunch that night & the restaurant had a side room with salsa music & dancing. we went in there & i, non-dancer that i am, obviously took up the invitation of a short salvadorian woman when she asked me to dance & we danced to the music as she quickly taught me how to salsa & together we salsaed our butts off over the course of the next (what seemed like an) hour. color me gay but my favorite part was when she spun me round, which she did more times than you can count on your normal human hands. it was only later, after we left, that my group informed me that they had been debating whether or not i'd end up on the receiving end of a blade before the night's end, as i danced oblivious to the glare of the woman's boyfriend and/or brother, who was sitting at a table in the corner.

the next night i got home to brooklyn & got mugged by two ass clowns who stole all the spending cash i received as part of my sales contest prize & then the police caught them within the hour, after following the ass clowns' tracks through the snow.

the 2nd time i went was to hang out with mr tadley martin when he lived across the river from d.c. in virginia in what i want to say was an area called ballston. we made an evening trip to black cat for a britpop/indie rock dance night. good times.

#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.
snack: utz smokin' sweet kettle classic chips
drink: sweet leaf cherry limeade

this time, i stayed with tadley in his swinging bachelor pad in rosslyn, va, a pad complete with a bathroom with good face wash & some sort of heated hair device, both of which could either be his or his girlfriend's. it's an interesting area, with lots of modern-looking construction & towers built on the hills just across the river from d.c., a placement (just outside the city limits) that allows them to build taller buildings. d.c. has a height restriction on buildings. originally, it was nothing taller than the capitol (289 feet). now the limit is the width of the adjacent street + 20 feet. virginia has no such restrictions...an interesting washington post article about the effects of the heights restrictions here.

near his place, there was a lil' convenient store that we went to a few times over the course of 24 hours. naturally, i was intrigued by their snack selection, as convenient store snack selections are often largely regional & i love that kind of crap. on my first trip there, i got a bag of blue diamond maui onion & garlic almonds. i was all "dude, what?" i have never seen these in new york, even at target, who could possibly have the finest selection of blue diamond nuts in the city outside of the west village...but i digress.

they also had two utz kettle flavors that i've yet to come across here in nyc--smokin' sweet kettle classics and salt & malt vinegar. on the front of the package of the smokin' sweet ones are the words "spicy heat with a kiss of sweet"...just like my love makin' stee-lo...so i had no choice but to choose those for later snacking purposes.

as i write tonight, i'm enjoying those chips & with them, i'm having me a bottle of sweet leaf cherry limeade that i picked up upon my arrival back in brooklyn this evening. the non-threatening cartoon granny on the label was also on a decal affixed to the door of a local convenient store, plugging her sweet leaf teas & beckoning for me to come check her out when i was done picking out a quart of milk. when i was done, i went over to visit her & couldn't resist her allure. her cherries. her lime. her ade. her promises of "homemade goodness in a bottle"...so i went with the cherry limeade.

dear label granny,

unfortunately, i don't enjoy your creation. like, if the flavor of the best flavored lemonade ever is equivalent to making out with a really hot chick, the the flavor of your cherry limeade is equivalent to making out with, well...a granny. catch my drift?...but seriously, granny...you seem like a very nice person.

yours in beverage,
shawn.

#39 - it's a crazy cracker world.

as i sat down to write this blog entry, i went in not knowing exactly what i was going to write about. all i knew was that i had me a big glass of iced tea by my side & some hummus & crackers in the kitchen awaiting my consumption. to get warmed up, i decided to do a little research on my crackers, whose box was all the way over in the kitchen & whose exact name escaped me at that moment...so i searched for what i knew--"triscuit parmesan nabisco.com." about halfway down the list of searches, i came across the words "kraft - the tale of the magical crackers." as one who grew up in new hampshire, i couldn't help but be curious about magical crackers. i clicked through...& sidetrack! on the other end, i found a cracker wonderland mini-site, complete with:

the tale of the magical crackers
this is main attraction on the site. a guy named lester has brought you & a family of four to his attic to watch his magical cracker movie. once the internet catches up & the movie starts, it's all soothing narrator telling the magical story of one holiday season in cracker town. it starts with a knock on the door & on the other side, there's a giant ritz & his buddies giant wheat thin & giant triscuit! when i first saw these monstrous crackers, i was all "holy crap! those crackers are monstrous." then the soothing voice used the word "ginormous" to describe them & i stood corrected. these three ginormous crackers stay through the winter, magically regenerating over & over again, feeding the family when the dog pulls the turkey onto the floor at dinner & helping santa haul his ass up the roof on christmas eve when he's too tired to do it his damn self. at the end of the film, it is revealed that in a past year, a giant block of cheese showed up in town & then it is revealed that the narrator is actually the dog, the same dog who pulled the turkey onto the floor. i love surprise endings!

you can download this film onto your ipod!

snowball showdown
to play snowball showdown, you first create a character.

my character is a young black boy named "kickass kid." the backstory i created for him is that he is an outcast in the land of magical crackers. as you can sort of tell from the below image, others throw snowballs at him & attempt to destroy his giant cracker. assessment: life is not fun for the kickass kid of magical cracker town.

uncle lou's tale-o-matic
uncle lou likes to hang out in the shed, where he's created a very elaborate machine that spits out a lame mad lib that is nothing more than a written version of the "tale of the magical crackers" film. it appears that you should wear yellow gloves when operating the machine, probably because direct contact with it can result in terminal lameness. the only thing i like about uncle lou's creation is how it flags inappropriate words & makes you change them. it flagged the word "basement," but "attic" is completely acceptable...obviously.

seriously, nabisco. who approved the creation of this mini-site? carol from the steno pool?

#39 - it's a crazy cracker world.
snack: triscuit parmesan garlic thin crisps with athenos roasted red pepper hummus
drink: 4c red tea antioxidant/peach

these triscuit parmesan garlic thin crisps are pretty good. they're definitely better than regular triscuits, which are really only good if you top them with lots of cheese & dips & junk. these ones actually have flavor on their own. it's subtle, which makes sense, because if triscuits are anything, they're subtle...the hint of parmesan makes me wonder why all triscuits don't at least have some flavor.

regardless of their acceptable flavor level, i'm still dipping them in athenos roasted red pepper hummus. this stuff comes with chunks of red pepper & parsley bits sprinkled on the the surface, which looks quite fancy & makes you think that you might be eating something other than your average, everyday hummus...but you're not, really.

the 4c red tea is the final 4c iced tea flavor i've experienced & it is way too friggin' sweet, especially if you follow their recommended water/drink mix ratio. i mean, it's pretty good overall, but i really wish it wasn't so darn sweet. it's overwhelming & with every drink i take, i get an image of me brushing my teeth in my head. that can't be good.

#38 - baby talk.

this is what i've observed about the world: society deems you both cool & not cool if you have a baby...it's all in the circumstances behind your baby having...

teenager with baby ≠ cool.
fundamentalist white couple in kansas with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity smoking cigarette with baby ≠ cool.
gay couple with baby ≠ cool.
foster care system overrun with babies = cool.

i just hit 34 this week & my siblings & i have yet to produce a baby for my parents. for one of us in particular, this is a good thing since he's 16. for myself & the other two, we're in that prime 25-35 baby-making canal. here & there, a few of my friends are starting to get babies of their own. i'm pretty sure at least one of my high school friends has a baby who is old enough to have a myspace page. another friend apparently has twins. another who lives in the u.k. just had a daughter. i don't even know how that works as far as citizenships go, but i have a feeling something un-american might be afoot.

one of these days, i'm going to get around to the baby-having. obviously, there are clear & present obstacles to that currently happening, namely the lack of a baby-making partner, which is something i'd like to have for this particular adventure. ladies? who wants to make a baby with shawn at some point in the next year or two? eh? it'll likely be smart and/or cute. all i'm saying is...think about it...or pass the word on to one of your baby-wanting friends or co-workers. hotties and/or really smart girls only please.

#38 - baby talk.

snack: planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts
drink: flying dog snake dog i.p.a.

like me, my first baby will love all things planters. this is for certain...a love for planters will be in his and/or her blood & by this i mean that most planters snacks are too tiny for babies to eat without choking, so my first baby will have planters products delivered intravenously...unless planters starts making baby food, in which case, we will get to forgo all the needles.

for starters, baby will get planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts. these things are extra crunchy, which baby won't actually get to appreciate due to the intravenous delivery. according to the packaging, "the nut experts at planters have carefully roasted each small batch to bring out its crunch." ha! nut experts!...i'm going to start using that. somebody's talking too loud on their cell phone..."hey buddy, wanna stop being such a nut expert & bring down the volume please? you're disturbing me & my friends. thanks."

anyway, baby will instead get to focus its appreciation on the blood rush that this snack offers, with its unsettlingly unbalanced combination of salty bbq & sweet honey.

& like me, baby will also get a flying dog snake dog i.p.a. to go with his/her intravenous peanuts & in doing so, baby will get to appreciate cartooning. babies love cartoons & the ones on the flying dog labels are by ralph steadman, who illustrated many of hunter s thompson's works. that means baby also gets to learn about art history & the counterculture.

...which means my baby will be WAY COOLER than your baby. suck on that, breeders.

#37 - the go-go's were soooo right.

oh man, i am soooo on vacation right now & when i say vacation, i actually mean a non-travel extended period away from the job & the office & its accompanying work & stresses. other than a few stints of unemployment here & there, it's my first vacation since at least 2005, so i've been making a big deal out of it, bringing it up in conversations & emails, referring to it in my facebook status, blogging about it, essentially casting a full net of 21st-century communication designed to ensure that everyone & their mother is aware that i am on vacation.

i suppose the reason i'm so actively promoting this fact is that i've been at my current job for almost two years now & actually still love it & it's our first time apart. in the past, my jobs have been like my relationships--they usually last somewhere between a year-and-a-half to two years & start to go downhill months before they actually end...i get bored...i need change...cuts must be made...& then one day, it's game over.

despite my length of service at this job, i still like it after just short of two years together. during my time there, i've worked my ass off, skipped lunch break after lunch break to get work done, spent hour upon hour working from home & to the enjoyment of the co-workers in my immediate area, have probably done an inordinate amount of audible huffing & sighing at my desk whilst doing so. i still like it regardless of my breathing anomalies.

the fact that it's a music industry job definitely contributes to my satisfaction, since music rules & all. just like before, in all the other industries i've worked in--college athletics, cable tv, fashion retail & newspapers--i went into the job not knowing all that much about the music industry & like with past jobs, i've developed a broad picture of the industry beyond the immediate knowledge i need to do my job. i love learning about how industries work & enjoy having a more-than-working knowledge of how their pieces fit into the grand puzzle. this is why jobs that require unique skill sets & knowledge--electricians, welders, chemists, drug dealers--make me want to be them...to see how they really fit in to the machine.

but for now, i'm on vacation.

#37 - the go-go's were soooo right.

snack: health valley mini chocolate chip cookies
drink: xs blast rootbeer blast energy drink

here is the first good thing about health valley mini chocolate chip cookies: they are tiny & conducive to popping into your mouth one after another after another while your vacation time fritters & wastes away. this is made even more pleasanter by the fact that they have no trans fats. zero. for the laymen, this means that a male human can consume infinite amounts of them with zero consequences to the body. zero. scientists have proven this. female humans are not allowed to eat cookies regardless of their healthful properties. got to think about that figure, gals!

here is the second good thing about health valley mini chocolate chip cookies: they are 70% organic & contain nary a drop of genetically engineered ingredients. this is in stark contrast to the snacks i usually eat--snacks that more often than not probably have some % of post-consumer recycled content amongst the ingredients.

here is the third good thing about health valley mini chocolate chip cookies: they are made in melville, ny, which is a town named after the guy who killed moby dick.

i don't know. i've downed a can of this xs blast rootbeer blast energy drink & i'm not feeling all that more energetic. i guess i feel a little more jittery than usual & a few of my fingers feel a tad more numb than usual, but that could be something else other than the energy drink. regardless, i like the flavor. it's not as chalky or tooth-coating as your average energy drink & it does taste like drinking a root beer dum dum. that's a definite plus. time to update your website, dum dums! the election (& your gimmick) are so passe (like heroin)!

please note that the snack & drink consumed it this blog do tie into a larger theme, but please don't kill yourself trying to figure it out. it'll be my little secret, like ryan seacrest's homosexuality.

#36 - four more years.

i don't know if you guys have heard about this yet, but there's a presidential election in three days. i tell you what...i am so ready for this election season to be over. tonight mccain is on snl. it's really wearing on me. i used to have tolerance for all the excess negativity baggage that comes with an election season. for the most part, i've held off on discussing the election here, so i'm going to go on for a while in this entry...you've been warned...

as a younger, pluckier man (of 22, 26 & 30...my bday was two weeks too late for the 1992 election) i only voted in one of three presidential elections, in 2004, believing that in 1996 & 2000, i didn't need to vote because the presidential election was easily going solidly democrat in massachusetts, where i lived at the time. local elections & issues? yeah, for some reason i didn't think about those.

i first registered with the green party & when i got to the polls on election night in 2004, i discovered that there was no green candidate on the ny ballot. i'd just sort of assumed that david cobb would be on the ballot, but nope...as a result, nader got my vote & when i had to go to the dmv to get a new license after being mugged the following february, i changed my party affiliation to independent...or so i thought. as i discovered when i went to renew my license earlier this year, i had actually chosen to become a member of the independence party. oops. now i'm an independent.

this election season, the degree to which people believe the following things astounds me:

- that barack obama is a muslim because his father came from kenya & his middle name is hussein. kenya is 78% christian, according to the c.i.a.. although the name hussein has prominence in shiite faith, barack shared the middle name with his father, who was an atheist. obama belongs to a church, for christ's sake! i'm a confirmed catholic & i don't even belong to a church. my middle name is richard...does this make me a crook? don't even get me started on the idea that barack obama isn't a u.s. citizen. i'm sure plenty of army brats have ties to just as many countries as obama & that doesn't make them less of a u.s. citizen.

- that this matters. muslim ≠ terrorist, folks. all religions have their terrorists.

- that acorn is intentionally registering "illegal voters." acorn's role is to try to get as many people to the polls as possible. is it their fault if a member of acorn, driven by voter registration goals, registers a potential voter & that potential voter has already been approached by someone else on the street a few weeks earlier & they decide to register a second time just to make sure they're actually registered? from what i've heard in reports, these registrations are often sent in flagged by acorn as potential invalid registrations anyhow.

- that this matters. unless any of these people go to the polls twice & vote, risking a $10K fine and five years in prison, it has no effect on the outcome of the election...zero.

- no hillary clinton = sarah palin. i mean, really, ladies? are you serious? i think hillary clinton is up there among the most skilled politicians of recent time, but sarah palin? is this really the woman you want to represent america as the first female elected to the white house? you would give up your right to choose to support her? i can think of 1,000 women who, from a feminist perspective, i would want to hold that distinction before sarah palin...i'd even put her behind maria shriver. at least maria has experience as a journalist, is married to a republican governor of one of the world's top ten-largest economies & is a kennedy.

- that barack obama = socialism. barack obama's definitely an advocate of spreading the wealth through social programs, in an effort to make more people's lives better. that's just his style of politics. some people don't want government to have that role. that's cool, although it's baffling to me that there are people who are christians who won't vote for obama. last i checked, doing whatever possible to benefit the greater good (i.e. spreading the wealth to ensure people have food, shelter, education, a better life, etc.) was part of jesus's teachings, but i haven't been to church in a while, so that may have changed.

- that sarah palin ≠ socialism. last i checked, one of her claims to fame was that as governor of alaska, she helped get every alaskan citizen an additional $1200 rebate, spreading the wealth from oil profits. i may have got a c in my college economics class, but that sounds somewhat like socialism to me.

on the flip side, i'm sure there are accusations that are being made by the obama camp about mccain/palin that are way off-base (hey, remember joe biden? what ever happened to that guy?), but since i'm more liberal leaning, i haven't paid attention to those as much & therefore can't speak to them. either way, when i go to the polls on tuesday, neither mccain or obama will get my vote. in fact, i'm probably going green...that way, i'm supporting a candidate who's both black & female, which makes me totally progressive & revolutionary. luckily, the green party is actually on the ny ballot this year.

i will say this about the 2008 presidential election--it's gotten people amp'd about politics again. that'll come in real handy if mccain happens to steal the election & folks across the country decide to riot. if that does happen, let's keep that energy up, people! democracy rules!

#36 - four more years.

snack: pizza bagels
drink: dogfish head 90 minute i.p.a.

snack time tonight is a pair of pizza bagels, made with thomas' whole wheat bagels, some francesco rinaldi mushroom, pepper & onion sauce and borden six-cheese italian blend. that means mozzarella, provolone, asiago, parmesan, romano & fontina cheeses! i don't even know what fontina is! how exotic of me, right?

i've had many a pizza bagel in my time. they were an easy pop-it-in-the-toaster oven snack back in high school & college & have been for most of the second half of my life save a brief five-year-or-so hiatus that ended a few months back. english muffin substitutions are always acceptable for this snack. recently, i have this thing where the pizza bagel can not cross my lips without a pound of crushed red pepper sprinkled on top. it tastes like burning.

my beer accompaniment, the dogfish head 90 minute i.p.a., was voted the winner of the realbeer.com "battle of the beers" contest three years in a row, from 2003-2005. i can't tell if they even give out this award any more. for all i know, dogfish probably broke it or something. i guess that's what happens when you let someone win three times in a row. regardless, the people voted (via the internet) for their favorite beer & their voice was heard, loud & clear. but seriously, the beer is really good...& the descriptions of the beers on the website have me wicked excited & i'm now obsessed with the idea that i need to go to rehobeth beach, delaware to the brewery ASAP. anyone up for a road trip? under an obama presidency, gas prices will magically drop even more & we'll actually be able to afford it, due to pagan islamic magic! yay, magic!