#154 - lowdown dirty jokes.

over the past few months, i've been checking out all of hbo's new comedies & recently, i finally got around to watching the first seven episodes of funny or die presents, a series which is an extension of the usually-hilarious funny or die website. like the site, it's made up of comedy sketches that are played off as low-budget & often feature celebrities. since it's on hbo, the sketches on the tv show are much dirtier, with tons of hilarious swearing, nudity & violence. unfortunately, the show airs fridays at midnight, so there's little-to-no chance that i'll ever view it at its scheduled airtime. whatevs though...that's what on demand's for.

the show's structured in the vain of sctv, with the fictional FOD (funny or die) network airing oft-recurring programming. steve tom plays ed haligan, head of west coast sales & marketing, a guy who hosts the show from a studio filled with 70's era computers & machines & hot secretaries sitting at desks working on whatever hot secretaries work on. as for the FOD programming, it consists of shows like:

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#152 - twenty-two minutes.

this weekend, before i sat down for the evening's snack & drink, i was on the phone with a friend explaining that in my next blog post, i planned on discussing things that are twenty-two minutes long. his response was "like taking a dump?" i was all like, "twenty-two minutes? it takes you that long?" personally, when it comes to doing my business, i'm in & out in five minutes tops, but i suppose that for some people, if you're sitting on the can for twenty-two minutes, that's acceptable. if you're standing at a urinal for that same amount of time, that might be a problem though. if it takes you twenty-two minutes to deftly execute your corporate strategy, that's acceptable. if it takes you twenty-two minutes to execute a prisoner by electrocution...not so deft.

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#150 - limited appeal.

this past weekend, i decided to take advantage of my newly-acquired on demand capabilities & checked out the first four episodes of how to make it in america, hbo's newest series. the half-hour comedy-drama, which premiered back on valentine's day, is produced by most of the same dudes who produce entourage (including mark wahlberg) & it's basically a new york variation on the entourage concept. whereas with entourage you have a group of four dudes trying to make it in hollywood whilst occasionally partying their asses off, how to make it... features two dudes trying to make it in new york's fashion scene whilst occasionally partying their asses off.

as it is, the premise is sort of boring & the content's only slightly better. i have to say that after watching the first four episodes, i'm not all that impressed & if i wasn't a new yorker, i feel like i'd be even less so. like with bored to death, there's a lot of stuff going that's very nyc-specific & might not seem very interesting to folks who don't live here. here's what they've given us thus far:

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#149 - only in dreams.

for years now, i've been waking up pretty much every morning with absolutely no recollection of my dreams from the previous evening. i'm pretty sure why this is, but we won't get into that right now in this fully public forum. reasons aside, science tells me that there are dreams going on up on that brain of mine whilst i snooze, but i'll be damned if i know what those dreams are about. on the random occasions when i wake up & actually do remember my dreams, i find myself cursing waking life & wanting to go right back to sleep, with the hope that i'll pick right up where i left off. that never happens though...stupid dreams & their lack of continuity.

over the past week something's changed though. i've been waking up almost every morning with actual memories of the previous evening's dreams. quite frankly, it's been awesome, although it's made me want to spend more & more time sleeping. i've never been one to believe in dream analysis, but if i was, here's a sampling of what i'd have to work with:

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snackdown! - 2.26.10

since all of our politicians apparently believe that everyone on the other side of the aisle has cooties, this week mr president gathered democrats & republicans together in d.c. to try to get both sides talking about the current health care legislation. during the televised six-hour summit, the president basically learned what he already knew--republicans just aren't going to offer anything, so the democrats have to go it alone. yay washington! it makes sense though, since it took them forever to decide whether there would be snacks on the table at the summit & whether they would be eaten on or off camera. sure it's an important issue, but it's largely symbolic of the whole health care debate. luckily, it wasn't representative of this week's food news.

• as i've noted many times on this here blog, i'm a huge fan of delaware's dogfish head breweries. i've always wanted to take a trip down to delaware to visit their brewery or their restaurant, but have never made the journey. now it looks like i may not have to. on tuesday, dogfish announced that they're coming to me & opening a rooftop bar & restaurant in midtown manhattan with mario batali, the jolly, ginger-bearded chef & food network star. until recently, i haven't had cable for years, so i don't know jack about him, but if he's smart enough to pair up with what may be the top microbrew in the country, he's cool with me. (grub street)


• are your chips not meaty enough? fret no longer, meat lover. chadwick, a british food company, has submitted a patent for "meat crisps," a snack product that would be made by pulverising meat, mixing it with an emulsion, seasoning it along with a range of binding agents & heating it in a wrapper before slicing it into thin pieces and microwaving it. they'll be lower in calories, fat & salt & if testing works out, they'll be in stores by the end of the year. the name i'm suggesting for their product: "moo crisps." brilliant, right? chadwick, you can use that name if you want...just send me a bag. (the telegraph)


• if you've ever wondered who the mad scientist behind mcdonald's creations was, this week chicagonow did an interview with dan coudreaut, the director of culinary innovation for the fast food chain. coudreaut, who started his career as a dishwasher at the four seasons, has been in his current position since 2004. he's the man responsible for the angus burger, the now-defunct asian salad & the current mcdonald's darling, the snack wrap. given mcdonald's enormous reach, when it boils down to it he's the most powerful chef in the world. it doesn't mean a thing though if he can't get mcdonald's to add that artichoke spread & asiago cheese burger they have in italy to the menu here in the states. (chicagonow)


• on tuesday, the ny times ran a piece about "snackbot," a robo chef designed by graduate students at carnegie mellon university. snackbot, who is "outfitted with a $20,000 laser navigation system," is designed to learn about robot-human interaction through serving food. i can picture it now. "hey snackbot, make me a sandwich." "hey snackbot, go get me another beer." "hey snackbot, fresh guacamole. stat!" snackbot bows his head obediently..."yes, shawn." he's not the only robot chef on the block though. the chinese unveiled the “world’s first cooking robot” back in '06 & famen, a japanese restaurant, has "two giant yellow robot arms preparing up to 800 bowls of ramen a day." it's pretty cool, as when the robots take over the world, they'll hopefully still make us dinner. (ny times)


• consolidation! yesterday, diamond foods, who's best known for pop secret & tasty tasty nuts (including my #1 snack of 2008), announced that they're buying oregon's kettle foods for $615 million. diamond, who started off as a co-op before going public in 2005, is the leading u.s. exporter of walnuts & has recently been running bizzare ads which, given this week's events at seaworld, may or may not be in good taste. for diamond, buying kettle foods is a smart investment, since they've doubled sales & increased earnings significantly over the last four years. also, their chips pretty much rule. (financial times)