#165 - something's fishy.

something smells fishy around here. at first, i figured it was just the foul-smelling scent of city garbage marinating in the hot summer sun, but that smells more like cheese than fish. then i thought that maybe i'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morn. after a couple of sniffs of the pits, i ruled that out as well. was it actually fish? it couldn't be that. i hardly ever eat fish outside of a sushi joint. you know what? it's probably just a dead possum caught in the floorboards. oh, wait. i live on the basement level. i don't even have floorboards. i bet it's just a case of something that's metaphorically fishy, like the rod blagojevich trial or a perp's story on CSI or a BP solution, which, come to think of it, is both metaphorically & tragically fishy.

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#116 - i dare you to date me.

ladies! let's you & i have a chat. dudes! lean back & pay attention. this is about ladies first & whatnot. maybe you could learn something. so ladies, who wants to enter into some sort of mate/partner in crime/random sex partner/ridiculous conversationalist arrangement? btw, sorry to exclaim at you like that at the opening. it's just that i'm a bit short & sometimes have trouble attracting attention, so i figured i'd give a "!" a shot. i'm actually fairly mild mannered, but have my moments if i don't feel weird around you. anyway, enough about me...let's hear about you, specifically what i'd like you to be like.

you: 5'6" or under, in possession of cool hair on top, flat shoes on bottom, random stories in your brain & a sense of nerd cool on your lips. you can pick a good beer & a good wine & a solid five-song string of jukebox awesomeness. you know why dan savage is just as cool as fred savage & why michael savage is ruining the good savage name. you'll remember that my favorite stuffed gorilla for much of childhood was named george, but he wasn't curious. when i've told you a story about that before, you'll have maybe listened the first time & will recognize which parts of my story have changed, but keep them to yourself & wonder what else i'm making up, because you're SUPER DEVIOUS...& you're so cute when you're being devious.

& you're so pretty when you're faithful to me, so since i'm a serial monogamist, if i'm paying attention to you, that's because you're pretty friggin awesome, so i'm only paying attention to you...something to keep in mind. why are you awesome? well, you're fine with the fact that you've hit 30, because you've got tons of time & you know so because you totally know stuff about genetics...although the future of social security sort of worries you. plus, you're cute, so f "age ruins cute." attitude helps. i seem to get along best with L.W.A. (ladies with attitude), so i might as well keep that streak alive until i get stabbed or something. heat of passion! bring on the attitude ladies. also, your making out & hand-holding skillz must be up to snuff. gross skinniness discouraged. food appreciation a must. wordperfect a plus. apply within. new yorkers preferred. those from other locales with ready access to travel also accepted. EOE.

me: 5'6" or under, mid-30s but looking (mostly) mid-20s. cougar bait. from NH with stints in boston. been in brooklyn since five months before 9-11, which, as the bumper sticker says, i will never forget. thought i was going to be a baseball player & then an architect & then a filmmaker & then around music. currently on the last one, but thinking of going into sexy international corporate espionage. ooh! you must be good at spying, but not on me, ladies. i want a house, a pet could be interesting, a kid might be cool. since we're both super smart, that kid'll have a good chance of curing or running something. before that happens though, i like traveling, but don't do it enough. you probably should want to escape to places as well. we'd go on adventures! i'm comfortable doing stuff by myself, but it'd be cooler with you, madame.

my favorite author is reinaldo arenas, although it's been a while since i've read him, so all his books have blended into one mess in my head. i haven't read a full book in almost two years probably. it's sort of a shame, but i watch & listen instead to get the stimuli. often, when we're out in large groups of people or even when we're alone, i'll be all quiet. it's all good. no need to freak, although since i'm asking for some attitude, i won't fault you for it entirely if you do. i just like watching people interact. i promise it's not creepy. not to get ahead of myself here, but if we hit it off & can manage to hold it together for a good enough period of time, i've always wanted a home sort of like my parents' place, 45 minutes from a major city, but with a ton of trees all over the place, something preferably with a cute downtown. date me! i dare you! you could also tell your friends or your sister or your sister's friends. i dare them too.

#116 - i dare you to date me.
snack: chevre du miel (goat's cheese), pitted dates & dare cracked pepper water crackers
drink: two brothers domaine dupage french style country ale



when we're having a night where we hate people (but are cool with each other, of course) we will sit in your/my apartment (yours if you have cable) & snack on chevre du miel (goat's cheese), pitted dates & dare cracked pepper water crackers. i'm doing it tonight whilst tangentially watching mister lonely, but it's just not the same without you here. you could be my missus lonely! oh! btw, i have netflix again. we could watch movies & break out some soft belgian goat cheese & slice off a piece for you & a piece for me & then we'd sit there with a knife each, watching breaking bad & doing crosswords & spreading cheese onto dates & dare all natural cracked pepper water crackers. it will be the classiest thing we'll do all week other than your friend's art opening, but i refuse to think of reading from the bible whilst naked as art, so that doesn't count.

you'll really like the goat cheese. you'll have to or i'll ask you to leave. it's got hints of honey mixed with products from the teat of a goat (chevre for the classy lassies) & like i mentioned, it comes from the same country as the guy who created the smurfs. you'll find that fact HILARIOUS. you might even have a coincidental t-shirt on hand that takes it to the next level. oh how we'll laugh about your t-shirt. we'll also dare each other to eat the crackers, but that'll end quickly when one of us takes the dare & soon after takes a header off a chair. then we'll laugh...limp & laugh.

we'll drink some beer along with it & it'll be two brothers domaine dupage french style country ale, since that's what i randomly drank a few nights ago & then blogged about today. it'll be how we first started dating, so it'll be memorable to the max, but in french. it'll be like a john cusack film, but with less big hair & more big boombox. you'll call me out on the fact that the beer's not really french. you'll mention that it's from warrenville, IL, in west chicago right near the fermi national accelerator lab. you'll explain to me what the fermi national accelerator lab is. i'll remember "protons." we'll laugh & both wonder where the cat is for a brief moment. then we'll laugh some more.

we'll finish our beers whilst washing down the cheesy date dares & you'll give the two brothers french style country ale a 7.3, but i'll give it a 7.7 just to feel like i'm in charge. we might as well make out by this point, because we're getting along pretty well & you're obviously everything that i'm looking for in a prospective mate/partner in crime/random sex partner/ridiculous conversationalist. do you feel the same?

if yes, let's definitely make out.
if maybe, we should probably make out to break the tie.
if no, we should probably make out anyhow.

who knows? what if one of us gets smooshed by a truck tomorrow & we never get to find out? seriously though, don't get smooshed by a truck tomorrow. you'd be dead & i'd be scarred for life through coincidence & nobody wants that...not even glenn beck. you think he's an ass too? we should definitely date.

#99 - in the weeds.

last night, after weeks of mary-louise parker beckoning at me from the sides of buses & subway walls & random places on the internet, the fifth season of weeds finally began. at the end of last season, she & the family were living down by the border, in san diego. nancy (parker) has just revealed to the tijuana mayor/crime boss (esteban, played by demian bichir) that she's pregnant with his child & he's just revealed to her that he knows she's been talking with the FBI about his drugs/guns/women smuggling tunnel from tijuana to san diego. her brother-in-law has fallen in love with her and her two sons are both growing & selling pot. kevin nealon's doug wilson character is still a stoned child trapped in an adult's body & celia hodes (elizabeth perkins) has been kidnapped by her estranged oldest daughter down in mexico while her ex-husband & youngest daughter are enjoying life, free of her insanity.

the "little boxes" theme that we heard during the first three seasons is now long gone from the opening credits. in its place are opening shots with a pot leaf & the words "weeds. created by jenji kohan" creatively worked into the frame. the first episode's opening shot was of a woman in stirrups & that faded into a shot of the ultrasound, so by all indications, this season's going to have a bunch to do with babies & the parent-child dynamic. probably drug smuggling & other craziness in there as well.

the first episode definitely got me excited for the new season. there's a great scene where nancy & esteban are in a mexican doctor's office & nancy has no idea what's going on because everyone's speaking spanish & we see her forced to forgo her independence because of esteban's forceful insistence that she let the doctor determine whether she's really carrying his son. there's a running joke throughout where celia's daughter tries to get people, one after another, to pay a ransom for her mom & each one turns her down. there's also a weird scene near the end where nancy's sitting in an outdoor mall & a flash mob forms, breaking into a dance number. she asks a kid next to her what's going on. he replies, "a flash mob" & she asks, "why?" his answer--"because it's cool." i'm not sure where they're going with that one, but ok. i'm intrigued.

it's been a solid series through the first four seasons, largely due to the ever-changing supporting cast. guillermo diaz is still on the show & still awesome as guillermo. it seems like so long ago that martin donovan was on the show, but along with albert brooks last season, page kennedy during the first three & short appearances by zooey deschanel & mary-kate olsen, the supporting actors are often what makes the show so different from season to season & even from week to week. this season, jennifer jason leigh is part of the cast (as nancy's sister), so we've got that to look forward to once she shows up. i hope she pulls some single white female shit. that'd be sweet.

#99 - in the weeds.
snack: campo de montleban cheese & new york style everything bagel crisps
drink: smuttynose imperial stout



i'm friggin' fancy like nancy!...only because it rhymes though. with my weeds, i'm having campo de montleban cheese & new york style everything bagel crisps. i picked up the cheese yesterday at bierkraft (the local gourmet beer, cheese & eats spot) after first giving their cheese descriptions (& prices) a good once over. in the end, i went with the campo de montleban because it both is made from the teats of three mammals--a goat, a cow & a sheep--and is only $14.95 a pound. no way was i paying $30 a pound for some cheese, especially if i was just going to eat it while watching tv by myself. $30+ cheeses are strictly for engagements with the ladies.

it's a spanish cheese (la mancha) & isn't one of those stinky cheeses that you eat to show people you have a refined palette. if i was a cheese expert, i'd probably say that it has a partly sharp taste & a firm but slightly creamy texture. since most of the bagel chips were conveniently broken into smaller pieces already, i cut the cheese up into little squares & paired the two up. the sharpness of the cheese & the saltiness of the everything bagel chips make a nice combo.

for my beverage, i went with a smuttynose imperial stout, straight from good ol' portsmouth, nh. it's one of smuttynose's big beer series, which, according to the label, consists of "big beers in big bottles, released seasonally in very limited quantities." this one comes out in mid-february, so it's relatively fresh. the label also suggests pairing it with "fresh fruit & rich cheese on a cold, winter's night or lay it up & savor it with a friend for a special summer treat." i took one part of that recommendation to heart.

since it's a stout, it's a dark beer with a rich flavor. after a while with the cheese, it came in handy for getting the cheesy taste out of my mouth, but by the end of the bottle, after 22 oz, i was imperially full. sometimes i enjoy the big, flavorful beers, but at times like tonight, they're a little too much to handle...but since this one's made by fellow new hampshirites, i'll let it slide this time. sometimes you just have to live free or die, folks.

nosh nook #17 - tuesday, april 7, 2009

strange snacks of the world--chakli (link)
04.06.09 - the village voice - by sarah digregorio

there aren't a lot of things that i actually go to the village voice for any more, especially when it comes to their print edition, which i used to read religiously, cover-to-cover, every week whilst riding the subways. they're the alternative newspaper, but in recent times, they've tried too hard (the era of the kajillion gw bush covers) & let good writers go (see robert christgau) whilst continuing to let whiny-ass, one-tracked writers (see nat hentoff) continue to write.  thanks, new times/village voice media...doing great.

one thing i do stil enjoy about the voice is their "fork in the road" blog, which has a "strange snacks of the world" column. past columns have included avocado fries, pudding made with pig's blood & prawn cheese spread.  this monday's edition features the "chakli," which, as sarah digregorio describes, is a heavily-spiced, spiral-shaped cracker.  it sounds fairly tame snackwise, but probably tasty nonetheless.

in conclusion, it is my hope that by ridiculing the village voice but praising them for the one thing that is relevant to me becoming a food superstar, there will be a message from "fork in the road" sitting in my inbox within the next 24-48 hours, asking me to please come write about snacks.  i'll eat some weird shizz, village voice.  all youz gots ta do iz ax.

#74 - 1974.

so i was born in the lord's year 1974 at beth israel hospital in boston, mass to a 22-year old dude from chelsea, mass and a 21-year old girl from westboro, mass. until my sister was born two years later, i can only assume that i got ALL THE ATTENTION, since i'm super cute & totally lovable. people love blonds, especially when they're in baby form.

since i was born on nov 17, the conception date was likely some time right around valentine's day 1974. happy valentine's day mom & dad! also, since i was born on that date in november, i am obviously the reincarnation of the late erskine hamilton childers, the fourth president of ireland, who died of a heart attack on that same day.

it was a year marked most profoundly by nixon's resignation but also by a number of significant events all around the country, many of which were not my birth...

1. in queens, ny, the ramones formed & soon after they became regulars at cbgb. punk was formed & thousands of degenerates learned how to count to one, two, three four! the talking heads formed the same year in nyc, eventually playing their first gig the following year, opening for the ramones.

2. in atlanta, hank aaron broke babe ruth's home run record. he did so after enduring months of death threats & racist remarks from people unhappy with the idea of a black man breaking the sacred home record, which, at the time, was held by a fat white man known for his chris-farleyesque lifestyle.

3. on a related note, out of hollywood, mel brooks' blazing saddles came out & ended the year as the 2nd-highest grossing movie.

4. in cleveland, the indians held 10¢ beer night at a game with the texas rangers despite the fact that the rangers had held a cheap beer night the previous week in texas & the game featured a bench-clearing brawl & rangers fans throwing beer on the indians' players. when the teams met in cleveland a week later for 10¢ beer night, the game featured a woman flashing her breasts in the on-deck circle, a father & son mooning team in the outfield & a host of fans running onto the field. eventually, after one incident with a fan, both teams & hordes of fans spilled onto the field & a full-scale riot ensued.

5. in berkeley, ca, patty hearst, grandaughter of newspaper tycoon william randolph hearst, was kidnapped by the symbionese liberation army, an urban guerilla group. over time, she joined the group & participated in an armed bank robbery with them (for which she later served a two-year sentence), wielding a semi-automatic rifle and calling herself 'tania.' years later she played a small role in john waters' cecil b demented, a film about a group of "kamikaze filmmakers" who kidnap an actress who eventually joins her kidnappers' cause.

6. in san diego, newscaster christine chubbuck killed herself on air with a .38 after battling with depression. weeks before the incident, she had got approval for a story on suicide & as part of her research, was told by a local policeman that the most effective method was with a .38 to the back of the head. a few days prior to her on-air death, she had an argument with the news director after the station's owner had cut one of her stories in favor of something that had more "blood & guts."

7. in amityville, ny, a 23-year old man killed his parents & four brothers/sisters. then they made a movie about it...sort of.

yeah 1974!

#74 - 1974.
snack: kraft macaroni & cheese crackers
drink: yoo-hoo chocolate drink

growing up, the siblings & i ate an impressive amount of macaroni & cheese. butter, milk, powdered cheese, some shells, a little mixing & boiling...& BAM! lunch/dinner is served. as such, when i spied a bag of kraft macaroni & cheese crackers at the corner bodega the other day, i didn't think twice about picking one up.

today, i'm finally getting around to trying them out. they're shaped like lil partly-flattened mac & cheese tubes & taste like a slightly cheesier version of cheez-its. not once whilst eating them did i remark "mine soul declareth these snack crackers an unmistakable facsimile of mine childhood dinners." basically, kraft is banking on the fact that the brand familiarity of their macaroni & cheese (didn't they change it to "cheese & macaroni?") allows them to make a product that bears resemblance in the main ingredient & a skew resemblance in shape, package them up, slap their brand on them & call it a day...tasty enough though.

since i'm going the processed route today, i'm having a yoo-hoo chocolate drink along with the crackers. back in 74, yoo hoo was already some fifty years old & as such, for most of my life, i've thought of it as a beverage from a bygone era, some weird, water-heavy, seven vitamin & mineral-enriched non-beverage manufactured to taste like chocolate...snake oil at best. why not just drink some chocolate milk instead?

that aside, i decided to give it another shot & i'm happy to report that it tastes much better than i remember. it still doesn't hold a candle to a tall, cool glass of chocolate milk, but it was actually pretty good. in fact, it was so good that i heeded the advice on the front of the label, which urged me to "shake it!" & have been holding a one-man dance party in my apartment ever since opening the bottle. of course, since i was born in 74, the dance party is entirely disco-based...not really. shawn don't dance.