#188 - a bitter american in new york.

here's an often thought that lives in my head: "i friggin hate people." they just make me so steamin' sparkin' mad sometimes! y'know where people really suck?...like where they LOVE to congregate? the subway system. that's where. i know. everybody's got their special "the subway sucks" bitch stories. between work & play, i ride the subway at least twenty times every week, so i've got mine too. my main beef is that some people have ZERO grasp on how to act when in the presence of other human beings. it's about courtesy, people. last thursday, i totally threw a bitter shoulder into this one guy who tried to rush past me onto the train as i was exiting it. as i walked across the platform to catch the express train, i looked back to see him giving me the evil eye from inside his departing local train.

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#187 - new-fangled comedy.

excuse me sir! excuse me! do you like comedy? ok, good. well, i don't have any cheap tickets to a stand-up comedy act for you, but i do have a lil' comedic recommendation for yo ass. check this out: remember how you used to go out on fridays & hang out with other humans? yeah, well...scrap that. from now until the last friday in march, you should probably stay in on fridays...strictly for comedic reasons.

here's why...

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#186 - OMG!

OMG! do you guyz know what today is?!!! OMG OMG OMG! of course you know what today is! how could you not? SHRIIIEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! today is the seventeenth anniversary of the day when one pattie mallette squeezed the blessed beiber baby out of her vajayjay & into our universe!!! OMG JUSTIN BIEBER BDAY XVII!!! on the day he was born, slick willie clinton was in the white house & mariah carey's "without you" was the number one single. seventeen years later, the bieb's grown up to be a bonerfied canadian pop star/teen hearthrob/lesbian doppleganger. sure he's never had a number one single of his own, but he's been trying REALLY HARD to get one. i think it's because he doesn't have enough co-writers & producers. now that he's seventeen, he should demand no less than ten co-writers & ten producers on each & every one of his songs. if they don't meet his demands, he cuts his hair again.

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#184 - please listen to my demo.

the only time i ever crashed a car was back at the end of my junior year of high school, when i took my mom's chevy corsica & drove it right off a new hampshire backroad & down into a ditch, smack dab between two thick new hampshire trees. for some reason, even though i didn't have a seatbelt on, i totally lived to see the day when i'd get to start this here awesomely irreverent snack blog. while i survived, my tape of EPMD's unfinished business was totally lost in the crash. from that point on, the frequency with which i heard their song "please listen to my demo" seriously dropped off. it told the tale of EPMD trying to break into the record business, as they shopped their demo around & around & eventually "signed on the dotted line" & got to "cruise in golden limos." success success success!

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#182 - f'n bebes.

what the hell is the deal with all these bebes? they're friggin out of control. these days, every single time i log onto my favorite social networking site, without fail there's at least one new photo of a bebe clogging up my news feed. i used to have no problem with it. a cute bebe pic every now & again warms the soul, but c'mon now. it's like "yeah yeah, high school acquaintance. i get it. you have a bebe. it wears tiny hats & gets held by people & stuff. awesome. isn't that what it was doing yesterday?" if i had a bebe of my own, i'd limit posting photos of said bebe to the special moments, like when it first emerges from the nether regions of my wife or when it's taking its first dump or something.

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