#187 - new-fangled comedy.

excuse me sir! excuse me! do you like comedy? ok, good. well, i don't have any cheap tickets to a stand-up comedy act for you, but i do have a lil' comedic recommendation for yo ass. check this out: remember how you used to go out on fridays & hang out with other humans? yeah, well...scrap that. from now until the last friday in march, you should probably stay in on fridays...strictly for comedic reasons.

here's why...

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#148 - port traits: misc mix.

for the final part of my series on portland, oregon & portland-area snackage, i'm going to mix it up a bit & present you with TWENTY miscellaneous facts about the city. if they ever come out with a "portland edition" of trivial pursuit or you end up on some weird, very-specific portland-themed game show, you'll totally kick ass.

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#147 - port traits: between the bars.

ever since i turned 21, i've dreamed that one day i'd have a bar that i could call my own, a neighborhood place where i could stop in any day of the week at any time of the day & the bartender, a cute girl who i've established a flirty customer-proprietor relationship with would look at me as i grabbed a stool at the bar & say to me "the usual?" i'd nod & she'd pour me a cold pint of my favoritest snooty beer. it'd be some real cliche shizz & totally not pathetic. every once in a while, she & i & a handful of regulars would order food from the restaurant next door. it'd be like a second home, third if you count my childhood home, which i probably should. to this day, largely due to my propensity towards home drinking, i've yet to find that magical third home...still searching though.

for part three of my portland, oregon investigative series, i've decided to take a look at the portland bar scene & see what it has to offer as far as third homes. i've yet to witness the portland scene firsthand but it's one that i've heard, read & dreamed a lot about & i have a handful of portland friends & acquaintances, so i was able to tap their alcohol-tainted brains & get a ROUGH idea of what's in store for me if i ever go out drinking in bridgetown. that's right...bridgetown. the city has a river running right through the middle of it, so they've got bridges. bridgetown. i'm not sure if anyone actually calls it that, but if they don't, they should. as a nickname, "city of roses" is just stupid. other suggestion: "beavertown."

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#145 - port traits - hey jerky!

in the first part of our four-part series on portland, oregon, i spoke to a bunch of reasons why i envision it as such a dreamy city, but i'm not kidding myself. i know just like with every other city in the world, it's no utopia. last year, business week rated it "america's unhappiest city." in fact, there’s a whole blog devoted to things about portland that suck..."wannabe suicide girls," street kids with pets/the people in pioneer square, panda express. according to the blog that is apparently the authority on all things sucky in portland, these are all things that suck about portland.

in addition, in portland's 150 years of existence it's definitely been home to a handful of jerks, folks who deserve a good caning or something. the most infamous resident from the last few decades is america's favorite kneecap-breaking figure skater, tonya harding, who was born there. same for nike's phil knight, whose company is the king of the sneaker industry & the king of labor abuses. rocker hag courtney love is a one-time oregonian & portland resident too, but don't even get me started on her.

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#144 - port traits: intro.

oh portland, oregon. why must you tempt me so? for years now, i've been hearing about how awesome you are from friends who live there, reading about your bounty of food carts, dreaming of the benefits of your progressive transit system. at one point a few years back, i was even set on moving to you. you're really far from the east coast though, so i never made the plunge & still have yet to, but i'm still young, so you're still on my short list of "places to eventually settle down." sit tight.

as i mentioned a few weeks back, one of my childhood friends (mr chris dorin) came to visit me from portland & when he came, he brought a viking's load of portland-area vegan snacks along for me to sample. in honor of these snacks & my faraway outsider obsession with portland, over the next week or so i'll be bringing you a four-part series devoted to the snacks & "the city of roses." in it, i'll be peppering you with all sorts of knowledge about the city, mostly based on stuff i've heard & things i've discovered via the power of the google & partially based on stuff i made up. it'll be like a mini, slightly-fictional travel guide from someone who has only visited the city for a few hours in the early part of last decade. TOTALLY professional.

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